Tuesday, October 5, 2010


My husband often tells me I need to manage my expectations. He says I am too hard on people. Maybe set the bar a little too high for most. But in my own head, I set the bar no higher for anyone else than I do for myself. Therein lies the problem. In my own head.

I am a control freak. I will be the first to admit it. So when my life doesn't go according to my plans, well...there's fret indeed. So far nothing about baby number 4 has been predicable or controlled. At the first ultrasound, there was no baby. At the second ultrasound there was a little seahorse who had yet to sprout arms and legs, but had a wonderfully strong heartbeat. But the doctor let us know there was a bleed. Not a large one, and it had shrunk from the first ultrasound, but it was there and we needed to be aware of it. At the third ultrasound, everything had healed and a little person with a heartbeat of 169 was already kicking at the ultrasound machine. Is it too early to say I think I saw a tongue being stuck out at me too?

Fret has become a constant already with this kid. So has the learning (and the morning, noon, and night sickness). I didn't know how scared I could be to lose something I didn't know I wanted so badly. I didn't know how much I could love someone just by seeing their heartbeat. I also think I realize that I control very little in life. I have put off letting the world in on our little creation for fear it will somehow be taken away. But my pants don't fit anymore and the lady at the bank is starting to look at me with the wondering eye of "is she gaining weight or is she pregnant." Having faith in the world and people around me needs to play a larger role in my life. That's what baby number 4 has already taught me. There are surely more to come when we meet in the spring.